Regret is probably one of the most unavoidable emotions in life.
You might regret not choosing the other path. You might regret the words you never said to someone. You might regret backing down at a critical moment. Regret is like a splinter—it won't kill you, but every now and then, it still hurts.
So how do we face it?
1. The Nature of Regret: You Are Judging Yesterday's Self with Today's Wisdom
First, understand this: every version of you made the best choice they could at that time.
You chose a stable job at 20 instead of taking a risk and starting a business. That wasn't because you were cowardly. It was because the 20-year-old you only had that much information, resources, and courage. You didn't hold onto that person at 25. Not because you didn't care, but because you hadn't yet learned how to love.
Judging yesterday's self with today's lens is unfair.
We are often kind to others but harsh to ourselves. Would you ever tell a 20-year-old friend, "You were so stupid, how could you make that wrong choice?" No. So why do it to yourself?
The opposite of regret is not perfection. The opposite of regret is: you have grown.
The fact that you feel regret is proof that you have progressed, matured, and gained clarity. That regret is evidence of your growth.
2. Two Kinds of Regret: Repairable vs. Irreversible
When facing regret, the first step is to distinguish which type it is.
Repairable regret: For example, never telling your parents "I love you," never apologizing to a friend, never learning that language you always wanted to learn. This kind of regret has an antidote—do it now. Even if it is late, it is still better than never doing it.
I have a friend who, after his father passed away, regretted never asking him about his youth. He spent a year organizing his father's old photos into an album and wrote over ten thousand words of memories. He said, "I can't talk to him anymore, but at least I have come to understand him better."
Repairing doesn't mean going back to the past. It means responding to past regrets in a present way.
Irreversible regret: For example, missing a certain opportunity, losing a certain person who is no longer there. This kind of regret has no cure, but it does have a way to ease the pain—redefine its meaning.
You missed an important opportunity. But did that missed opportunity lead you down another path, where you met someone who mattered later? You lost a relationship. But did that relationship finally teach you what you truly need?
Regret cannot rewrite the past. But it can reshape you.
3. A Metaphor from the Hangboard
Remember that climbing hangboard I mentioned before?
When you fall off a hang board, you don't stand there thinking, "Why didn't I hold on better?" What do you do? You look at why you fell—was it insufficient finger strength? Bad posture? Not enough rest? Then you adjust for next time.
Regret is the same. Turn regret into a review.
· Why did I make that wrong decision? (Collect data.)
· What have I learned from it? (Extract the lesson.)
· What will I do differently next time? (Make a plan.)
Regret is not meant to make you stand still in pain. It is meant to help you keep walking, carrying the lesson with you.
4. Allow Yourself to Regret, But Do Not Dwell
Many people misunderstand regret. They think "strong people shouldn't regret." That is wrong.
Feeling regret is human. You don't need to pretend otherwise.
You can give yourself an afternoon, a day, even a week to feel sad, to think "what if." But after that, you must stand up. Because dwelling on regret will not change anything except drain you.
Here is a simple method: give regret an expiration date.
For example: "I will be sad about this for three days. After three days, I will write it down, put it in a box, and continue with my life."
Acknowledge it. Feel it. Then put it in its proper place—not thrown away, not held close every day, but somewhere you know it exists, even though it no longer controls you.
5. Regret and Acceptance: The Hardest Practice Is Making Peace with Yourself
The end goal of facing regret is not forgetting. It is acceptance.
Acceptance means: I admit that thing happened. I admit it hurt. But I choose not to let it define my life.
Look at people who live with ease. It is not that they have no regrets. It is that they have learned to live alongside regret. They don't wake up every morning regretting yesterday. They might sigh when it comes to mind late at night, then turn over and go back to sleep.
Acceptance is not giving up. It is a more advanced form of strength—I know I cannot change the past, but I can still decide, from this moment on, where I go.
6. A Concrete Suggestion: Write a Letter
If you have a specific regret, whether toward yourself or someone else, try this method:
Write a letter. Write it to your past self, or to that person. In the letter, honestly say what you regret, why you did what you did, what you have learned, and what you want to say to them.
Then, you don't have to send the letter. The act of writing it is itself a form of healing. You take those words that have been stuck in your chest and write them down one by one. They stop being stuck.
If that person is still here and you want to send it, that is fine too. So many people go their whole lives without saying "I'm sorry" or "thank you," simply because they lack that little bit of courage.
7. A Gentle Final Thought
I want to end with a passage from an author I do not know:
"Regret is not a reminder of what you missed. It is a reminder that you are no longer the person who would miss it."
The reason you feel regret is because you have grown. You no longer make the same mistakes. You no longer miss the same people. That choice you regret is precisely what brought you to where you are today.
So do not hate your regret. Thank it. And then keep walking.
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Yesterday's door is closed. Tomorrow's door is not yet open. The only door you can enter is today's. Walk through it.